Well, that escalated or spiraled quickly, depending on your view point I guess!
Yesterday I wrote a hopeful, excited and positive pre-race report for Sunday’s Brecon Beacons Half Marathon and then this morning I woke up feeling extremely anxious and depressed. As such I have decided not to drive to Wales and to withdraw from the race. So far 2016 looks like this for me:
Races Entered: 6 Races Withdrawn From: 3
I cannot really fathom why or how I went from an awesome day yesterday to an awful one today. I have a lot of worries on my mind at the moment and maybe they have come to the fore with a few days off work giving me the time and space to think a bit more clearly. To be honest I am not entirely happy in my career at the moment, financially I’m feeling a bit stressed out and my body is aching a lot, all over as it adapts to the demands of yoga and running combined.
When it comes to my career I will keep on with it for sure. I’m having a bit of a bleak moment which sometimes happens when you work primarily with addicts and the mentally and physically unwell. Yes, at some point in the future I would like to go my own way and maybe train as a fitness instructor/running coach/yoga teacher but retraining costs a lot of money, takes a lot of time and self employment doesn’t really provide a solid, reliable income without a lot of groundwork and at the moment I feel like I’m pushing myself enough without adding in a career change!
Financially I’ve committed to two big races in the Alps this year – Mont Blanc Marathon in June and TDS in August. The marathon is all paid up and that’s cool but today I have had to have a long hard look at where I want to be in the future as opposed to where I’m at now. This being the case I decided to pare back my August trip from 10 days in the Alps to 6. This has saved me money on flights and quite a lot of money on accommodation – both of which I also sorted out today. In fact, making that decision and booking TDS in like that has really lifted a weight from my mind so at least some good has come from today’s deep introspection. It also now helps me to refocus on my other financial commitment of the year, namely, clearing as much debt as I possibly can by December 31st so I might have some chance of saving enough to go traveling around India and Sri Lanka at some point!
Physically my body feels really tight in some areas and really heavy in others and these areas seem to shift and change with each yoga practice, run and/or sleep! I think I am going to have to be really disciplined over the next week and prioritise sleep, foam rolling and self massage. This will mean putting aside my primary stress reliefs of running and yoga but hopefully it will give me a chance to catch up with myself and will provide a stable platform from where to begin my real training for my next race in Chamonix at the end of June.
Do I feel guilty about withdrawing from yet another race? A little. Will I regret not traveling to Wales, stretching my finances even more and possibly damaging my body more than it already is by racing? No. Will I wake up tomorrow feeling a bit lost knowing I won’t be running or doing yoga until April 23rd? Yes. Do I know at this moment and will I know tomorrow that this is the best course of action in the long term? Yes.
If there is anything I can take away at the end of this short post it is that out of darkness there will always come light in one way or another. This morning I felt crushed by the weight of my responsibilities and roles and suffocated by the pressures I put on myself to be ever moving forward and ever changing but now, this afternoon, I feel much more positive through action and decision.
Peace & Blessings