A random mid-week post from me today. I just feel the need to write and, in a sense, to feel a bit of connection with other people.
This week feels like the longest I’ve had to endure for quite some time. For me it started on Sunday morning and I’m sitting here writing on Wednesday morning wondering how it is not the weekend already. Yesterday felt like it should have been a Friday!
As anybody who has read my blog regularly over the past three years will know; I am quite open and honest about where I’m at. Right now, I’m at a loss. I’m at a loss because of so many factors but the overarching one is the fact that, at the moment, Gabrielle and I are not in a relationship – we decided last weekend that some time apart would give us both some time to figure out our respective directions in life. I’m living in hope that it all works out for us but, obviously, I don’t know how it’s going to pan out. Right now, as much as I know I have supportive friends and family, I feel kind of alone and adrift! It’s hard not speaking to my best friend every day.
Every morning since Sunday I have woken up with a dread feeling that, no, I really don’t want to face today but nonetheless I’ve hauled myself up and busied myself with all sorts. On Sunday I focused on my long run and on my TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course before hitting the hay really early and on Monday I had no other option but to get up and get to work where I threw myself into some pretty deep administrative tasks in a bid to slow my busy mind – it’s strange sitting here trying to recall what I did Monday evening because nothing at all comes to mind! I believe I had a bath and then went to sleep having eaten a simple dinner of baked beans on toast?! Tuesday, I hauled up out of bed with the knowledge that I had a pilates class to look forward to after work – I went to work a half hour early, I stayed an hour longer than usual and then I went to class before retreating home to sleep again.
This morning was the most difficult of the week so far which is why I think I feel compelled to write this post! I peeled my eyes open five minutes before my alarm and I noticed that spring is certainly in the air, it was much lighter in my room than the winter months and the first time I’ve noticed it this year. Not a bad way to start really I guess but then I felt a wave of ‘I just want to sleep’ rush through me. Not in the ‘I’m really tired, wouldn’t it be nice not to go to work’ kind of feeling but in the ‘Shit, do I really have to go and talk to other people and then train today’ kind of feeling. It took some real effort to get moving, to get on the train and to battle the sense I get some mornings of being suffocated by the lives of others during my commute into and around London!
By the time I got off the train and had made my way to sit quietly at my desk I had resolved that I will train tonight. I spent my journey writing this post on my phone and just trying to recall the events of Monday evening when I didn’t train made me realise that I need to train at the moment. Without even a little bit of training I’m not going to have any positive energy to carry me through the rest of the week which will just make it seem even longer, even tougher. I know that even if I feel I have nothing else, I’ve always got my training (and even if I’m not training for an event I’ve always got exercise to nourish me)!
(Caveat: I know that the feeling of having nothing else is just that, a feeling. I know that I have plenty and I’m thankful for it. The ‘nothing else’ in this sense is the loss I’m feeling that I mentioned above)
It’s a comfort to me to know that with a bit of physical exertion I can gain some mental clarity (and sometimes silence) and positive energy with which to keep on keeping on. Even if tonight I only lift weights for a half hour and then sit in the sauna for twenty minutes the benefits of it far outweigh the evening that would lie ahead if I decided not to do anything – Monday night proved that! Choice, that’s what it comes down to. I can choose to go home and feel like I’ve had to drag myself through the day or I can go home knowing that I got through a tough day and likely a tough workout so I can get through tomorrow too! Hell, if I can put that together all week I can get through the week. I’ve made these simple deductions from two facts:
- I went to bed at 2130hrs on Sunday evening because I had no other plan than to go to work the next day. There was no plan in place for me to do something I usually enjoy or for me to do something that would give me a positive sense of myself to carry through to the evening.
- I cannot remember what I did on Monday night for the reason outlined above – I did nothing positive with my evening. I just went to bed knowing that Tuesday would be a better day because I had training lined up after work!
Sorry for the pretty self indulgent post here dear reader! I’m not sure that you will be able to take much from it and I may end up deleting it for that fact alone. Maybe it will help some of you out there who are struggling with some sort of emotional battle and finding it hard to keep up the motivation to keep on keeping on? We all face challenges and adversity in different ways but for those of us that run and race I think training is one of the best forms of therapy out there!
With that dear reader, I’m off to face the day!
Peace & Blessings x